


grouper

by betonlosingdogs



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bang Chan-centric, Christmas, Exhaustion, Hurt/Comfort, I haven't written in so long, Insomnia, Insomniac Bang Chan, Light Angst, Lowercase, M/M, Slice of Life, Snow, its kinda like a character study of chan and his dynamics with the other members, lapslock, less sad than it looks, mf needs to rest, no specific ship but if you squint it can be interpreted however you like, what else goes here lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28358631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/betonlosingdogs/pseuds/betonlosingdogs
Summary: he feels it all, so much, all at once. he thinks he could cry at this moment, standing face upturned, watching snow glide through streetlights through bleary eyes, body loose with the type of apathy that comes with so, so, so much exhaustion. it takes everything he has to stop himself from falling face first into a snow bank and laying there until he falls asleep, dies, or both of those in succession.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Everyone, Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han, Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin, Bang Chan/Kim Seungmin, Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Bang Chan/Seo Changbin, Bang Chan/Stray Kids Ensemble, Bang Chan/Yang Jeongin | I.N, interpret it however you like - Relationship, relationships are all implied
Comments: 33
Kudos: 205





	grouper

**Author's Note:**

> surprise shawty  
> if you had told me in 2018 that i was going to stop writing entirely for two years and when i did come back it would be for a 12k kpop fic i would've laughed in your face  
> the first section of this is soundtracked by poison tree - grouper, especially the snow scene  
> i wrote and formatted this on my laptop so i apologize if it's difficult to read on mobile
> 
> update 1/4: i wrote hyunjin saying back door instead of god's menu and none of u corrected me LMAO
> 
> update 1/15: hi hi! i am so sorry to put this in ur feed once again i just wanted to say that i now have a [twitter!](https://twitter.com/1osingdogs) pls feel free to follow me there if u want to scream at me abt fic or watch me scream abt fic :>

bleary eyed, chan thinks. that's the best way to describe his vision right now.  
in the hours he's spent hunched over his laptop, the sun has long since set. engrossed as always, he hadn't bothered pausing to turn on a lamp, and is briefly surprised to find that the nauseating blue light of the computer screen is the only thing that illuminates the room.  
god, he thinks to himself. i am so tired.  
it's a simple statement, a common one. it slips out of his mouth every morning when he crawls sleepily out of his bunk, the first to enter the kitchen. it's always inevitably chorused among the boys as they wake up one by one and trudge into the common areas of the dorm, filling the space little by little.

it's so easy to say, but too easy to take at face value.

abruptly, chan realizes that he's lowered his head to rest his cheek against the table. the cold surface against his cheek prompts him into truly going boneless, and his body weight slumps fully over the desk, resting in all the wrong places.  
laying there, listening to the soft whir of his macbook as he eyes a dust particle floating aimlessly past his face, he allows himself to really feel the exhaustion that's caked onto his body like a wet winter coat. the type of exhaustion where his brain feels two steps behind his eyes, watching dust pass through the air from a perspective that isn't quite first person. he allows himself the comfort of imagining a slow, methodical 15 minute walk back to the dorms, slipping his coat off at the door, sinking into a mattress and at least three blankets and staying there in the dark for days, dead to the world. what a luxury, he thinks miserably, laughing at the thought that reeks of teenage angst.

how sweet it is to be unperceived sometimes.

chan doesn't have days to spend huddled within a nest of blankets, and certainly not the living conditions that would allow him to. maybe that's for the best, he thinks. a muscle in his cheek attempts to raise the corner of his mouth, but being pressed against the table prevents the smile from reaching completion. he likes the feeling of simply being there along with the rest of the group. muffled screaming as someone loses a game, the incessant opening and closing of doors as each member jumps from one friend to the other, circuit to circuit. the scramble for the front door when someone comes back from the convenience store or the eagerness with which they watch the oven work as felix washes the remnants of flour out of a mixing bowl.

he never knows which member is going to come find him when he finally lays down in his bunk, ready to regale him with a story ("don't laugh, channie-hyung, i was scared! how was i supposed to know they were trying to induct me into some pseudo-religion cult?") to share a snack (it's never ceremonious, minho tends to enter the room in silence, place a chip in his mouth, and leave without much fanfare) or just to be with him (jeongin comes in and just sits on the floor next to his bunk, eyes not leaving whatever youtube video he's watching. maybe feeling the weight of chan's questioning but not unfriendly gaze, he shrugs, and says "just wanted to be around you, chan-hyung.") the last one makes him go a little warm whenever he thinks about it.

jeongin isn't the only one. he's so grateful his group came out as it did. the past three years of bleeding, sweating, and crying into each other's shoulders have built an easy, comfortable solidarity that slips on like a jacket. it's so easy just to be around each other, to sit down and say, chan-hyung, let's eat lunch together today, chan-hyung, let me nap in your bunk, chan-hyung, let's walk to the store together. those same people calling him chan-hyung are probably crowded in the living room right now, overjoyed by their time off, ignoring sleep in favor of mingling amongst the christmas decorations that will probably remain up long after new years. the thought rouses him from his slump and he lifts his face from the table, feeling the tingle of blood returning to his cheek. hopefully the mark would be gone by the time he got home.  
home, he thinks. that sounds good. where his people are.

he goes through the motions, saves his work, saves it twice, three times. meticulously closes programs one by one before putting the computer into sleep, bundling up the laptop charger and tying the cord together neatly. slipping his laptop into the sleeve and the charger into the main pocket, water bottle into the side sleeve, the rest of his things following neatly. the precision of it all feels good, almost like slotting pieces together. his limbs feel more firmly attached to his body. he pulls on his jacket, zipping it up to his neck, opting to leave his hood up. he turns the light on just to feel the satisfaction of turning it off, an announcement that "i'm done for the day, see you tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that." he puts his mask on, even if he doesn't expect to come within close vicinity of anyone. he doesn't know the exact time, but he can feel that it's late. a quick look at his phone says 2:13 am.  
oh, he thinks dazedly. the sun had said goodbye to him a long time ago and he had averted his eyes. the building would have been empty hours ago, but when he feels like this, the mask over his face feels like armor.

how sweet it is to be unperceived. chan closes the door quietly behind him.

the hallway is empty, naturally. something about these spaces feel so wrong when they're empty, chan thinks idly. hallways are made to be filled as people move from one place to the next. an empty hallway is a useless hallway. he shuffles towards the exit door, watching his shadow on the wall move with him. the fluorescent lights are too bright.

when he opens the door, he's greeted by a rush of cold air.  
"ah," he says aloud. he startles at the sound of his own voice, in english no less. "it's snowing." the universe of dust particles floating past his eyes in his studio has expanded into a massive sky that tells him, "a gift for you, a gift for you, a gift for you", as it sends snowflake after snowflake drifting gently down to the ground.

he feels it all, so much, all at once. he thinks he could cry at this moment, standing face upturned, watching snow glide through streetlights through bleary eyes, body loose with the type of apathy that comes with so, so, so much exhaustion. it takes everything he has to stop himself from falling face first into a snow bank and laying there until he falls asleep, dies, or both of those in succession. those two things aren't so different anyways, he thinks. he believes this in a hopeful sort of way.

a little at a time, chris, he reminds himself. he starts walking, slow and rhythmic, feeling the cold wet of snow seep into his jeans. it takes him 20 minutes to walk the route that took him 10 this morning. somewhere in those twenty minutes, chan lets snow accumulate in his brain until he's walking without thinking much at all.

the familiar outline of the dorm building rouses something in him. he stands there for a beat, watching the snowfall gather on the roof, and pulls his mask down to let a long breath steam in the air. he takes satisfaction in watching his breath curl in feline patterns. if he had the intention of destroying himself in more abundance than he already did, he could've picked up smoking as a vice. maybe in a different life. if one of the members had happened to look out the window then, they might've seen fearless leader bang chan standing solitary under a streetlamp, staring at the building with an inexplicable expression, a lonely figure cut out in all black. chan pulls the mask back over his face and makes the rest of the walk home.

he can hear their chatter before he even gets close to the door. he lets the noise pull him closer, one step at a time, as whatever lightness had come to him in his moment outside deflates, leaving him lightheaded. he shuffles half heartedly to wipe snow off of his sneakers on the mat outside and steps inside.

the door swings shut slowly behind him. he knows he should toe his shoes off, he should reach to take his bag off now, so he can take off the jacket that's soaked through with melting snow and sticking to him in a terrible way. he should walk his bag in and toss it with as much care as manageable onto his bed and change into sweatpants and a hoodie, and he should go find the others and join them, limbs entangled, smiling on the couch as they usually are. instead, he stands there by the doorway, watching as he drips snowmelt onto the floor. a droplet falls, impossibly slow, and hits the ground with a violence.

inevitably, the other notice his presence, voices raising in excitement. "fearless leader bang chan has returned at last!" jisung exclaims, and is followed by a chorus of excited "chan!" and "chan-hyung!"s. regardless, he can't seem to shuffle a foot from where he stands now. the perimeter of his hood around his face reduces his world to a circle. he knows he looks weird now, standing silently with face and head covered by the door, motionless.

"you're soaked, dude," changbin says. his voice is a lot closer than chan thought it would be. it's also colored with an emotion chan's snow-filled brain can't discern at the moment, but it's certainly not amused. he realizes suddenly that changbin is standing next to him, and the patter of footsteps indicates that the rest of stray kids weren't far behind.

"chan-ah, did you walk all the way back in the snow like this? we thought you would've called the car, even if it's late..." there's hyunjin, unfairly beautiful as always, even at this time of night.

oh, chan realizes. the car. he could've called the car. "i forgot." his voice comes out muffled, even to his own ears. he's still wearing his mask.

"you... forgot you could call the car. the car that takes us just about everywhere all the time." oh. he has another realization. it's concern that he can hear in changbin's voice.  
he looks up from where he was watching droplets hit the floor and sees concern coloring all seven faces crowding around him. it's a lot of eyes. he feels even more reluctant than before to take his mask off. he watches apathetically as seungmin reaches to squeeze a hand around his arm.  
"chan, you're freezing," he says, pauses around the words. "are you alright?"

there's always been something about that.

it's a universal experience, chan thinks. working so hard to suppress feelings of grief, embarrassment, failure, putting on the brave face until someone asks, "are you ok?" "are you alright?" and that carefully constructed façade dissolves into a fine dust. this moment, somewhere around 2:40 am two days after christmas, is no exception.

chan crumbles.

he feels the strength leave his legs as he falls forward. he thinks it might be a relief to lie down at last, even if it's on the floor, soaking in the puddle he created.  
"woah, shit!" felix scrambles forward to catch him around the shoulders, struggling to keep chan upright as his knees buckle. felix smells like freshly baked goods, chan thinks, blissfully unaware of the younger's panicked calling of his name. minho, always one to keep a level head, steps in quickly to help felix hold up the older man.

"let's move him to the couch, it's warm in the living room. jeongin, get some dry clothes from his room. someone else get some water and heat up the leftovers, i doubt he's eaten since he left this morning." he rattles off commands without a second thought. with the same intense focus that they keep at recordings and at dance practice, jeongin is scrambling off to the rooms as seungmin and hyunjin split off into the kitchen. jisung nearly slips in his rush to clear junk off the couch as changbin tries his best to strip chan of his heavy bag while felix and minho manhandle him onto the couch.

chan feels like someone's wrapped plastic film around his senses. he stares at the tv stand from where he's been placed on the couch. the microwave is beeping in the background, a rhythm to the hurried words leaving felix's mouth, "he looks terrible, i knew i should've gone to see him when he didn't reply to my text before dinner-" jisung is vibrating with worry on the same frequency, uncharacteristically quiet as he tangles a hand with felix's, trying to soothe and be soothed in equal parts. minho and changbin are sitting on either side of him, trying to coerce him into taking off the jacket that was slowly sapping his body heat.  
"sorry," he utters, reaching frozen fingers for the zipper at the base of his throat.  
minho is giving him a searching look, gently swatting his hands away as he reaches for the zipper himself. "what is there to apologize for, hyung?"

what is there to apologize for? a million and one things, chan thinks. sorry for making you clean up after dinner even though you didn't sleep the night before. sorry for not checking on you first when you fell. sorry for not keeping you from elimination, even if you came back. sorry for crying on you when i was supposed to be holding you up. it's an endless list of atonements to make, from the miniscule of finishing someone's leftovers to the dark and ugly things he's not sure he's brave enough to even admit out loud.

he'll add this moment to the list later. sorry for staying out the whole day during a holiday break, for keeping all of you up until 3 in the morning, for making you take my wet jacket off because i can't do it myself and i'm making an imprint on the couch. he searches for an easy way to sum up a lungful of apologies, which is naturally impossible.

"me", he says at last, a quiet thing that slips out with an exhale. he almost wants to vomit at the sheer melodrama of it all. he feels like he could be 18 again, trying to keep the smile on his face as he watches his friends debut. every congratulations is carried with the undercurrent of "i wish it was me too", a sentiment that only becomes more bitter over the years. he hates himself for being too selfish to be truly happy for others and for not being selfish enough to be better than them.

"what's that supposed to mean?" jeongin is standing in the doorway with an armful of clothes. he doesn't recognize any of the clothing, and the coherent part of his brain tells him that it's probably a ragtag outfit of the other members clothes, a little comfort that makes his eyes burn all over again. the sweatshirt looks like jeongin's own. he'd guess the pants were hyunjin's, long legs ensuring that the pants would fit him comfortably.

"what's what supposed to mean," hyunjin questions, coming back from the kitchen with a box of fried chicken. seungmin tails behind him with tupperware and water in hand.

"he's apologizing for... himself," changbin says in a hesitating way that suggests utter disbelief. nobody can conjure the words to respond to him. chan can't meet his eyes. he doesn't have to, as jeongin makes him lift his arms to shimmy into the sweatshirt. there's peace in the few seconds the hoodie covers his face, unable to see or be seen. it's a funny thing, a pathetic thing, to be babied by their youngest like this. when his head escapes the hood, jeongin pulls the bottom hem down his waist.

seungmin has squeezed in next to him on the couch and is cracking open the water bottle, moving to lift it to his lips before chan stops him by taking the water bottle himself. he should try to limit how much more he humiliates himself today. the look in seungmin's eyes is something chan can't place, but he doesn't comment as he opens the tupperware to offer to him. 

chan looks at felix, who relaxed somewhat after seeing chan take the water bottle willingly. the younger's eyes flick from his face to the tupperware, and of course felix baked them.

he takes a cookie. he's struck by the same feeling as he did stepping out of the studio building, when the cold air rushed to greet him all at once and he was struck dumb by the snow falling from the sky. he feels it all, so much, all at once. forearms rubbing against the soft cloth of jeongin's hoodie, the water bottle in his hand, a pair of sweatpants laid over his legs, the taste of chocolate chip in his mouth. the smell of fried chicken in the air, still held carefully in hyunjin's hands. changbin, with an arm around his shoulders, minho reaching over seungmin's lap to squeeze a hand around his knee. felix and jisung still clinging to each other, jeongin sidling up to hyunjin. all of them are looking at him with similar expressions. the feeling of silent worry is palpable in the air. 

he left one extreme for the other, he thinks faintly, and is not surprised by the urge to find a snow bank to fall face first into, away from their eyes. it looks like being perceived is the running theme for him today, a burning sensation that makes him want to sink into the couch, into the floor, miles and miles under the earth's surface.

"i should change out of this." he clutches the fabric of the sweatpants laid over his legs. definitely hyunjin's. he stands slowly, and feels changbin's arm slip off his shoulder to grab his bicep instead, with the intention of helping him up from the couch.

"it's fine," chan murmurs. "i'm good." no more atonements for today. he might not catch up for another thousand years. the thought of his dark bunk is even more appealing that it was when he was twenty minutes away in the studio, but the distance he has to travel feels further than that now. the silence in the dorm rings heavy in his ears up until he closes the door, where it becomes muffled. the water bottle is set on the night stand, uncapped. seungmin probably still has it in hand. he wills himself into peeling his wet jeans off of his legs, and lays them over the end of his bunk. he can deal with that another time. the task of pulling sweatpants up his legs feels herculean. 

i can do this myself, he thinks, unsure of its a self affirmation or a scathing reminder. he pulls the pants on, settles the waist, and sits back down on the edge of his bed, hands on his knees. he stares unseeing into the dark, grateful for the quiet in every sense of the word. he knows he should go back now. he should go back in and smile and say, "sorry guys, i don't know what got into me. sorry, i'm feeling under the weather today. sorry, i didn't mean to drip on the floor, i just didn't want to call the car at this time. sorry, i'll sleep, and i'll go back to being bang chan tomorrow."

he doesn't know how long he sits there in the dark, eyes unfocused, trying to mount the strength to just stand up. for too long, he realizes, as he hears footsteps coming towards the door. the sliver of light that comes in when the door is opened is painful, and he closes his eyes.

"chris." felix, then. he doesn't open his eyes, relying on hearing the shuffle of feet to warn him that the blond is approaching.

"chris," felix says again, but softer. some kind of hurt is shaking in his voice, twanging like a bent guitar string. he feels a small hand run through his hair, and he leans into it imperceptibly. it's easier like this, with his eyes closed. he doesn't have to look at felix's expression or feel felix watching him.

"go to bed." felix tucks a stray curl behind his ear. the motion is familiar to them both, yet impossibly tender. the weight of unspoken love falls heavy. it's somehow easy to digest in this moment, just the two of them, chan with his eyes closed. he feels something well up in his chest, into his neck, threatening to crash on them both.

"ok."

that's all there is to it. 

"i'll talk to you tomorrow. we all will. just sleep." felix's hand leaves his hair at last and he leaves the room with those near silent steps of his, and closes the door softly behind him.

chan crawls under his pile of blankets, swaddled in borrowed clothes. he turns to face the wall, and the weight of everything that has been said and done today comes falling like a guillotine.

he sleeps.

* * *

when he wakes up, the room is still dark. his roommates are nowhere to be found. either it's late in the day and they've already gotten out of bed, or they had slept somewhere else to avoid bothering him. he hopes its the former. no more atonements.

felix's words buzz in his ear as he lays there, unwilling to get up just yet. _i'll talk to you tomorrow. we all will._

inevitably, he will have to open his eyes and let them look at him today.

that's alright, he thinks to himself, a little miserably. i can be bang chan today. he rolls out of bed, loose limbed and sleepy. he had slept in jeongin's hoodie and hyunjin's sweatpants, a thing that makes him equal parts comforted and guilty. he feels a little like a baby deer when he stands, wobbling uncertainly to the curtains. it's not snowing anymore.

light floods in, illuminating a previously invisible swirl of dust particles. the sky is foggy and grey, the sun managing only shy peeks here and there. still, it's bright. the sight of freshly settled snow sitting so peacefully on just about everything makes something in his chest twang. it's pretty. chan lets out a little breath that's two steps short of being a sigh. something about the sight makes him feel a little more real today.

a quick search through his bag for his phone, and he finds that it's just about 11:30 in the morning. he had slept well. he pauses to reach for the water bottle he had left on the nightstand, and is struck by the fact that it has a cap on it. chan's brain, still sleep addled, takes him through the implications of such a thing step by step. seungmin must have held onto the water bottle cap next to him on the couch, waited for him to come back out, and when greeted by felix coming back to the common area without chan, kept holding on until he was sure chan was asleep to sneak in. it's such a small thing, a bottle cap, but the enormity of the gesture threatens to make him cry his eyes out right after waking up.

"seungmin-ah," he says quietly, rolling the name around with fondness in his mouth. he takes a long, long drink of the water. freshly hydrated and armored up in borrowed clothes, he feels somewhat more ready to face the day.

the dorm is quiet when he opens the door. it fills him with relief- either he can put off seeing them face to face for a little while longer or at least not face them all at once. upon walking further down the hall, he hears the refrigerator door shut, alongside minho's amused voice.

"innie, that's not cabbage. have you ever seen cabbage in your life? aren't you so fortunate to be living with seven hyungs, since you can't tell cabbage apart from lettuce?"

jeongin fires back in a petulant tone than chan knows he's only using to play along with minho. "i bet changbin-hyung wouldn't have either."

"then he should be grateful he has channie and i, huh?"

"i'm not sure i could tell lettuce apart from cabbage either." it slips out of chan's mouth before he even thinks about it. it's too easy to be like this with them, he thinks.

minho and jeongin alike whip their heads around at his voice. his sudden appearance seems to strike them both speechless, minho against the counter in a garishly printed apron and jeongin with a bundle of lettuce in hand. jeongin seems to deflate, relaxing with the relief that chan is clearly well enough to joke with them. chan watches his eyes flicker down to the hoodie and back up to his face, and is briefly overwhelmed by the affection he feels for the younger when jeongin tries to suppress a pleased little smile. 

"ah, well..." minho breaks the silence. his mouth gives nothing away, but his eyes are shining in that impossibly glittery way they always do when he's satisfied with something. "it's okay to have your more responsible dongsaeng help you now and then. or all the time."

he's joking, they both know, but there's the undercurrent that they both know too, of _stop hurting yourself. it's okay to let me help you. let me help you._

chan lets his eyes crinkle a little. "you're right," he hums. "where would i be without all of my responsible little brothers."

"cold," jeongin says, playfully swatting at his arm with the ends of his sleeves. "i want that hoodie back eventually. it doesn't have to be, uh, right now, or today, or tomorrow, but eventually." it would be illegal for chan not to pull jeongin into his arms at that point, so he does. jeongin's white hair, frizzy and dead even after various resuscitation attempts of deep conditioning, tickles his cheek. even though the maknae is taller than him now, he still opts to let chan put his arms over his shoulders, preferring to squeeze his own arms around chan's waist instead. it's nice, chan thinks, to hold and be held.

he feels minho headbutt the back of his shoulder in a way that's entirely too reminiscent of his cats. "since you're awake, hyung, wanna make yourself helpful and make lunch for the kids with me?" his words are muffled from where he's still smushing his face into chan's shoulder. chan leans back to rest his head against minho's.

chan can feel the rumble of jeongin's chest when he asks indignantly, "was i not enough help for you, minho-hyung?"

minho snorts, moving his head to where he can rest it more comfortably against chan's. "you brat, you can't even identify cabbage."

all three of them lose it then, collapsing into each other in a fit of laughter, having to hold on to the table to keep themselves upright. 

it's okay, chan thinks then. it's all okay.

lunch is ultimately a successful endeavor, and they settle into easy conversation as they wait for the rest of the group to return from their various errands. according to minho, "the dwaekki dragged the little one to the gym, seungmin and hyunjin are shopping, and jisung is picking up his third pair of airpods from the apple store."

jeongin's musing of "he should buy some wires to keep them attached at this point," sends them into another fit of laughter. jeongin excuses himself to use the bathroom when they're able to breathe again, leaving the two oldest alone in the kitchen.

"chan." minho has lost all of the mirth that existed in his voice two minutes ago. chan vaguely feels a sense of impending doom, despite knowing a more serious talk would be inevitable. he meets the other's eyes, and is startled by the intensity with which minho is looking at him.

"for your sake, and ours, don't ever let it get that bad again."

"... let it?" chan thinks minho might know more about him than chan knows himself.

minho's voice is soft, but firm. "i know you, chan. we've been together for years. in front of them, you would never, ever come in through that door looking like that if you could help it. it's been building, hasn't it?"

he's silent, but that's an answer in itself.

"don't let it build. let me know. i know you want to care for everybody all the time," minho shrugs, "but even as incredible as you are, that's just not reasonable. let me know."

chan feels that burning sensation again, the feeling of being seen, as minho doesn't take his eyes off chan's face for a second. it's different, chan thinks dazedly. minho sees right through him in a way that's a relief. chan doesn't have to unpack himself piece by piece, try to form words around unspeakable things. minho just knows.

minho is all soft now, sweet in a way he would never let the camera see. there it is, that ringing note of tenderness. "i'll walk in the snow with you, but you have to let me know."

ah, his group members are so good at making him cry.

he's fortunate that jeongin comes back before chan has to try and form a response to a moment that he'll probably remember for the rest of his life, so he settles on mouthing _thank you_ with a little smile, and is delighted to see minho smile back at him with that glitter in his eyes.

jeongin, not one to be left out of the loop, wrinkles his nose. "did you guys kiss or something while i was gone?"

chan and minho overlap then, minho with an entirely too straight face, "yes. wanna see me do it again?" and chan cutting him off with too big of a grin, asking "does innie want one too?" 

naturally, jeongin screams his dolphin scream and makes an attempt at fending chan off, but ultimately resigns himself to receiving a kiss on the cheek from chan, ears turning red.

"thanks, hyung." he mumbles, still smiling in his fox-like way. "for being you."

chan has to stifle tears all over again.

a quick question to the kakaotalk group chat reveals that none of the other members will be back for another half hour at least. changbin and felix promised another 15 sets, seungmin and hyunjin are busy deciding which shade of lavender suits hyunjin the best, and jisung is stuck in an impossibly long line at the apple store. the three of them end up just eating rather than waiting, packing the remainders in meal sized portions so it'll be easy for each member to reheat when they return.

minho finally stretches, and takes off the apron he's been wearing the entire time. "i'm off for now then," he says yawning. "promised someone i'd help some brats with choreo."

"go, our dancing jewel," chan says smiling. 

"try not to miss me too hard, baby. take care of the kid." he delivers the line with typical deadpan minho flair, and disappears out the door.

"the kid needs a nap," jeongin says.

chan laughs, and reaches over to mess with his hair. "do i need to supervise?" 

jeongin blinks at him from underneath his now unruly fringe. "can i sleep in your bunk?" he keeps a straight face, but his ears give him away, burning pink.

chan lets out a long suffering sigh, but he's smiling. their baby bread's usual irresistible, unconscious charms. "yeah, kid. come on."

they settle in easily enough, jeongin curled into a ball underneath chan's blankets, chan sat next to him, one hand in jeongin's hair, the other scrolling aimlessly through youtube on his laptop. jeongin falls asleep quick as always, and chan is left to his own devices. 

the silence gives him time to ponder it all. how blessed he is, really, to have this moment, the youngest member sleeping soundly beside him, as he waits in the comfort of the bunk for the rest of his members to return. it's better than spending three days dead to the world. he doesn't want to be dead to this, dry hair strands slipping through his fingers, or the million baby faced stickers minho replies with when chan sends a photo of the sleeping jeongin, captioned "consider the kid taken care of". before he can slip too deeply into sentimentality, he opens some game playthrough video and lets himself be mindlessly absorbed into something that doesn't matter all that much.

not much later, changbin and felix announce their arrival at the dorm by throwing the door open and letting out long, exhausted noises of complaint.

"i'm showering first, don't even think about it," chan can hear felix say.

changbin's voice draws closer along with footsteps down the hall, whining, "don't take too long, i refuse to marinate in my bunk for any longer than 15 minutes," as he opens their room door with little care.

he stops dead in his tracks, mouth making a little O shape as he processes chan, awake on his bed, and jeongin, very much not awake on his bed. he stands in the doorway awkwardly staring for another 30 seconds before attempting to mouth something silently to chan. it's utterly incomprehensible.

"you can speak at a normal volume, he's dead asleep." chan says, amusement audible. 

changbin huffs before finally entering the room proper, flopping down on his bed across from chan. "excuse me for not wanting to wake the baby. or you."

"... i'm awake though?"

an eyeroll. "i mean earlier today, hyung. you know i had to drag yongbokkie to the gym with me? he whined at me the whole time and i felt bad, so now he's showering while i'm stinking up my bed."

"you can go stink up the kitchen instead, minho and innie and i made lunch."

changbin sits up abruptly then. "little bastard. i told minho to text me when you woke up and he just sent me one of his stupid stickers on kakaotalk."

chan doesn't even have time to process that before changbin is bouncing to his feet, seemingly having regained all the energy he had none of two minutes prior.

"come keep me company, then? baby bread won't notice if you stop petting him in his sleep."

chan smiles then. it's easy. "yeah, alright." he pats jeongin's head lightly before setting his laptop aside and following changbin into the kitchen.

they chatter aimlessly as chan directs changbin to the leftovers, while changbin cracks open the lid to inspect their creation.

"he really said that? ah, kids these days. no respect for their hyungs."

"could you tell me whether that's cabbage you're holding in that bowl right now?"

"i will decline to answer that." they snicker, and fall into companionable silence as the microwave begins humming with heat.

"are you doing alright, chan-hyung?" changbin asks, with an a nonchalance that's slightly offbeat, suggesting he's been waiting to ask that question for longer than he wants chan to know. he's looking everywhere except chan's face.

chan knows what he could do here. "yes, i'm okay, yesterday was a fluke, it won't happen again, i'm indebted to my dongsaengs for taking care of me," and a million other lighthearted phrases to put the other man at ease. that lilting tone of voice comes easy to him, worn in with use. he would have to push it a little harder this time maybe, say "i've just been missing my family in australia, but it's alright, i have my family here, who take care of their hyung so well," and slip into the baby voice he knows the other hates, and then he could go back to ridiculing changbin about his inability to identify vegetables. it would be a discredit to changbin if chan said he really thought the younger would buy it completely, but he could probably get away with it just enough.

it would be easy. 

"well... no." he decides to be honest, but still lighthearted. too much vulnerability feels like rubbing his skin raw.

the microwave announces that its job is done, but changbin makes no move to get up from where he's leaning against the counter.

"are you... do.." he sighs. "thank you for being honest with me, if nothing else. can you give me like, two minutes to get some food in my system so i can talk to you coherently?"

"you don't have to ask permission from me, binnie."

"you're too good, channie-hyung." the comment falls out of changbin's mouth easy as anything, as he finally reaches for the microwave. chan spares him the eye contact, looking idly through his camera roll and changbin settles into a chair at the table. _you're too good._

a few beats of frantic chewing pass, and he speaks up at last. "why didn't you just say that to me earlier?"

chan shrugs. "was i supposed to come back to the room one night and declare to you that i was suffering?" he comes off a little more defensive that he wanted to, but he can afford to with changbin. they've always been like that, taking each other's punches in stride.

"i mean, yeah," changbin says around a spoonful. "i'd prefer that to you dripping in the doorway because you walked twenty minutes in the snow, with that expression on your face like you were ready to give up."

alright, that one bruised. "i don't think i could've." chan says, contemplating. "wouldn't it have been hard for you if i sat you down and said, 'please help me, changbin-ssi, i'm a mess,'?"

"no, it wouldn't have," he responds. he sounds a little indignant, which chan thinks is probably fair. "i would've said to you, 'i'm sorry to hear that, chan-hyung. thanks for coming to me, what can i do to help?' and whatever you asked for, i would try."

he's finally looking chan in the eye now. chan stops pretending to scroll on his phone and sets it face down on the table.

"you could have said, 'lets fight, changbin,' and i would have let you hit me. you could have said 'let's go night racing,' and i would've found the cars to rent. or you could have said something totally normal like 'let me cry on you, changbin,' and i would have let you cry on me." the words leave his mouth quickly, impassioned.

"it's easy to do things with you. for you. so stop giving me shit about you making things hard for me, and don't show up looking like a corpse and scaring the shit out of me, and wake up so we can go to the gym and i don't have to sit here radiating stench while i admit how embarrassingly much i care about you because yongbok wanted to shower first." he punctuates his statement by scraping the last spoonful out of the bowl and into his mouth.

vulnerability burns good, chan thinks faintly. changbin has managed to deliver the perfect _i care about you, idiot_ talk with just enough sincerity that chan wants to be embarrassing and cry in front of changbin right then. his friends are all entirely too good at being nice to him. is everybody going to have this moment with him today?

he lets a long breath escape his lungs.

"sorry from keeping it from you, binnie. let's go to the gym the day after tomorrow." it's easy to say this. he wraps an arm around changbin's broad shoulders and squeezes, hoping that communicates the million _thank you's_ he wants to word vomit right then. 

changbin sniffs. "thanks for hanging out with me even though i stink." it just so happens that they both hear the door to the bathroom open then.

"thank god," he groans. he squeezes chan's hand on his shoulder before he gets up, a silent acknowledgement. _no need to thank me._ he puts his bowl in the sink and slips out of the kitchen.

"don't wake the baby, yongbokkie!"

"the baby's already awake," jeongin calls back, disgruntled. "you stink that bad."

chan can hear the rush of footsteps back down the hall, threatening, "i was on my way to stop stinking but if you want to be like that-"

"i take it back! i take it back, changbin-hyung, please have a good shower, don't come in-"

felix slips into the kitchen then, hair still wet. pacified, changbin is walking back down the hall towards the bathroom.

"i thought i was supposed to be the baby," felix says.

"you've been upgraded to toddler." chan replies. felix makes a face at him as he makes a beeline towards the leftovers stacked on the counter. "that's not an upgrade, toddlers are annoying," he pouts.

chan looks at him, deadly serious. "... yeah."

"yah!" felix grabs the nearest wooden spoon out of the utensils jar. "i'll hit you, hyung! don't think i won't! if i hit you in australian it doesn't matter if you're older than me!"

"i take it back, i take it back," chan laughs, bent over in his chair. he repeats it in english too, just for good measure.

they both laugh then, settled in. felix stands almost identically to changbin as he waits for his food to heat up.

"did binnie go all weepy on you yet?"

chan huffs, and shakes his head minutely. "i was the one that got all weepy."

felix smiles at that. "i'll spare you from me for now, then. expect a visit later." chan shudders in mock terror. "that's not very relaxing, actually. incredibly ominous, for your information."

"ah, you'll appreciate it when it comes," felix says, waving his spoon. "you'll have to endure a lot more emotional vulnerability today, i'd imagine."

"did you guys plan this or something?"

felix frowns, chewing. chan thinks this conversation is going on a track entirely too similar to the one he had with changbin just minutes ago.

"no, this is kind of just what happens when someone you care about a lot shows up looking like someone cleaved their soul from their body, and then you have to ask yourself how you didn't notice things were getting bad until they hit a breaking point. and then you're filled with a burning passion to ensure it never happens again, and that involves a lot of emotional vulnerability." chan was right. entirely too similar. 

"i thought you said you were sparing me."

"i thought you said a later visit was ominous."

"... fair enough." they pass a smile back and forth like it's nothing.

"all of that shit aside, you're usually not emotionally constipated with me to begin with. and i'm grateful for that, but last night hurt for everybody. so..." he takes another bite.

"take care of yourself. or let us take care of you. probably both, actually. you've cared for me a lot, and i've managed to grow from a baby to a toddler. so let me return that sometime." his eyes are shining in a way that sings of either earnestness or unshed tears.

chan groans aloud then, slumping forward. "i swear, you're all plotting to make me cry today."

"nah, we don't have that much emotional intelligence. yet." felix adds a wink to that for good measure. "my lack of it is why i'm saying all of this to you like we're just discussing breakfast foods because i feel like my guts are gonna spill out if i take this seriously."

"you're doing just fine, felix. thanks." chan's voice is too soft. he runs a hand through through the younger boy's hair, blond and impossibly long and fluffy with newly added extensions. he feels that same unbearable tenderness he did last night, sitting unseeing in his dark bunk as felix combed through his hair and said _chris, go to bed,_ voice shivering with things unsaid.

he tucks a strand of hair behind the younger's ear, and they both know what it means.

"alright, well.." felix huffs. he's trying to recompose himself, but he's smiling hard. 

"minho-hyung asked me to help with choreo, so i probably shouldn't have taken that shower."

"nah, it's alright. changbinnie deserved that one."

"you do know the only reason he made me go was because you were sleeping, right?"

chan waves a hand dismissively. "go forth, dancing jewel." he's so fond he feels like his heart could burst.

felix pauses on the way out the door. he stands there just a second too long, before he turns back to peek at chan. "i didn't mind. you needed the sleep. love you, bro." he's out the door impossibly fast, clearly unable to handle the sentimentality of it all for another second.

"i'll say it back to you later," chan says to the empty kitchen. it's both a threat and a promise.

he washes the dishes left in the sink. this is a thing he can do for them, at least. something that says _i can be bang chan today,_ a thought buoyed up equally by his affection for the others and theirs for him.

returning to the dorm, he finds changbin napping, wet hair soaking his pillowcase. jeongin is curled up in his bunk still, eyes focused on chan's laptop. he had left the game playthrough video on when he left with changbin to eat in the kitchen, and it's still playing softly now as jeongin watches intently in the same way a dog might watch tv.

"how much of that are you understanding?"

jeongin shifts his eyes to look at chan, but doesn't bother moving his head, blinking in a bewildered way. "... this is in english?"

chan can't help but snort at that. "maybe the baby should sleep for a little longer while i shower."

"sounds good to the baby," jeongin says through a yawn. "are you gonna give me my sweatshirt back then?"

"do you want me to wash it first?"

"nope." jeongin says, rolling over, and promptly falls asleep. 

chan shakes his head fondly. "unbelievable." he grabs the first clothes he sees in his closet and a towel, and closes the bedroom door behind him. it's unusually quiet in the dorm now, with both other members sleeping, and it gives chan plenty of room to think about not thinking.

chan's reflection shocks him for a second. the near-lavender of his hair and the vibrant blue-purple of the hoodie might have gone together better any other day, but today it only serves to highlight how washed out he looks. already pale to begin with, his dark circles look like bruised stains on his face. disorganized by frustrated hands pulling his own hair while working, stiff from collecting snow the day before, and mussed with a night's sleep, his hair is standing up in every cardinal direction.

"shit," he says. the person who copies him in the mirror doesn't look like him. no wonder the rest of the group had looked at him like that as he shuffled through the doorway last night, soaked through with cold and carrying an aura of hurt. minho was right. it had been building, and he had overestimated himself if he thought he could keep trudging onwards when his feet were sinking further with every step.

"be better from now on," he says to his reflection. _for your sake and theirs._

his reflection doesn't respond.

too grateful to the way the hot water seems to reinvent his body, he doesn't hear the front door open and close. still toweling his wet hair as he steps out of the bathroom, steam escapes out into the hall like a hotbox. he hopes the dye isn't coming out of his hair, though that might be futile, eying the patches bruising what used to be a white towel. he slings jeongin's sweatshirt over his shoulder.

a body slams into him out of nowhere. long limbs wrapped around him in a vice grip, hyunjin is entirely too tall to be clinging to chan like this. the sudden impact makes him flinch and knocks the air out of his lungs simultaneously. 

"chan-hyung!" hyunjin cries out, sounding as if he hadn't seen the leader in years.

"good to see you," chan wheezes out. 

hyunjin aims for petulant and whiny when he says, "i missed you." he overcompensates and lands on the line of sincerity, head tucked into chan's shoulder. long blonde hair pressed into chan's cheek, he can feel the cold of outside still lingering. 

chan drops the towel, and squeezes his arms around hyunjin's midsection. "i missed you too," he chuckles. the laugh takes effort to push out of his lungs, and comes out sounding slightly pained. he could blame it on hyunjin's impossibly tight grip, but there's something to be said about that feeling welling up in his chest too.

they stand like that in the hallway for an unreasonably long time, clinging. chan's pretty sure his hair is crying purple onto hyunjin's shirt. hyunjin doesn't seem to mind. they're finally interrupted by seungmin, who's calling hyunjin's name from the direction of the front door.

"yah, hyunjin-ah, can you help me with the bags instead of clinging on to chan-hyung like some kind of monkey?"

"do it yourself, i'm reuniting with the love of my life," hyunjin says, words muffled from where his face is still buried in chan's shoulder. he gets off anyways, shaking his arms out as he bounces back down the hall to where seungmin is watching him with a fondly exasperated look.

"you told me that i was the love of your life like, two minutes ago."

"life is short, minnie," hyunjin says, taking bags from the uncountable amount seungmin is currently balancing. "too short to commit to any man for longer than two minutes."

"you watch too many k-dramas," seungmin sighs, shaking his head. 

"don't act like you don't watch them with me, stupid," hyunjin says. he tries to swing a bag at seungmin's head, but is holding too many for that to be feasible.

"alright, alright, we all watch the k-dramas," chan says, placating. he takes half of the bags from both of the younger boys. "let me take these for now. where did you want to set them down?"

"where would we be without you, channie-hyung," seungmin says. one hand now free, he pats chan's shoulder.

"are you saying i'm not strong enough for you?" hyunjin interjects, mock offended.

"yes." seungmin replies without a second of hesitance.

hyunjin sighs at that. "yeah, well, who can compete with this?" he smacks the top of chan's head like a salesman might slap the roof of a car. "to our room please, hyung."

"yes, sir!" he says, letting the others take the lead down the hall. 

"don't get too good at saying that, they'll give my part in god’s menu to you," hyunjin gripes, holding the door open. 

"i could never," chan smiles, setting the bags down on the floor. he turns to leave, but is stopped by seungmin pulling on his sleeve.

"wanna see our haul?" he's grinning at chan eagerly, puppylike. "who knows... if you stay until the end, there might be something for you too."

"who could turn down such an intriguing offer," chan laughs. "let me return this to jeongin first, i'll be right back." 

they both look at him in a way that suggests they'll patiently await his return, and he has to leave then before his eyes and ears start burning.

"here you are, innie," chan says, tossing the sweatshirt onto the lump of blankets on his bed that contains jeongin in there, somewhere.

half asleep, jeongin sits up abruptly, tugs the hoodie over his head with great effort, and falls back onto the bed. "smells like you, hyung," he says, yawning, and is out like a light.

changbin lifts his head from where he's watching something on his phone to exchange a bemused look with chan.

"he's been spending too much time around hyunjin and his k-dramas," chan muses.

"for all of hyunjin's pretty, he has to have a vice," changbin hums. "he's corrupting the younger ones. truly evil." they both snicker at hyunjin's expense as chan leaves the room.

"so what shade of lavender did you guys decide on?" chan asks, watching seungmin unpack clothes and lay them out on the bunks.

"who told you that?" hyunjin says, side eyeing him. "you haven't read any of our messages in the group chat since like, yesterday morning."

"you were checking?"

seungmin and hyunjin both become suddenly engrossed in the task of taking the clothes out from the bags.

"you didn't have to check on me so much," he chides them softly. another atonement, he thinks. valuable time together, shopping for leisure without a time limit, wasted on checking read receipts.

seungmin's hands pause, and a plastic bag flutters to the floor gracelessly. "how could we not, chan-hyung?"

hyunjin nods gravely. "the only reason we went out at all was because minho-hyung got tired of us pacing the dorm. said something about too many people not being good."

"oh," chan mumbles. it's a lot to take in, the image of the other members pacing the dorm, faces scrunched with tension as he slept curled up in his bunk, unaware of it all, minho ushering them out the door in that kind but firm way of his. minho knows him too well.

"thank you. for worrying." it comes out awkwardly, but it'd be a disservice to be any less straight to the point.

"you don't have to thank us-" "it's what we're supposed to do-" their voices cross over each other, and both of them lapse into an embarrassed silence, ears burning.

chan can't help but laugh, just a little. felix might have been right about the group's overall lack of emotional intelligence, but they make up for it in earnestness. they are trying so, so hard, chan thinks. it threatens to overwhelm him. that welling up in his chest, a sensation that's only been building with every member he's talked to today, is going to break the dam soon.

"all that aside, i still want to know which shade of lavender you picked." the tension leaves the room like a sigh, each of them grateful for the move onto a lighter subject.

"they all make him look good," seungmin says, pouting. "it's unfair."

"i bought it all." hyunjin says, pleased at the compliment. "you're gonna end up borrowing stuff out of my closet anyways, seungminnie. don't pout." he gestures at a spread of lavender scarves and other miscellaneous items displayed on his bed.

"don't show off like that," seungmin scolds. he snatches a plaid lavender scarf from the assortment and offers it to chan with both hands.

"this one made me think of your hair," he says. eyes wide and shiny, looking at him with that expression of _i hope this makes you happy_ written all over his face, chan can almost imagine a tail wagging in furious excitement. "you can match them together."

there's something about that, whenever someone says, "this made me think of you". it's a quiet whisper that says, _you're familiar to me, i know what you like and don't like. a little you sits in my heart and jumps up and down whenever i see something that reminds me of you._ so much thoughtfulness veiled in a simple phrase. remembering back to the bottle cap, chan thinks seungmin has a tendency for these things, small gestures that speak of enormous amounts of care.

"thanks, seungminnie." it's all choked up, the words squeezing out of his throat. he takes the scarf with both his hands and wastes no time in wrapping it around his neck. it's long and stiff enough for him to tug it up to cover his mouth and nose. it smells faintly of coffee, maybe a café that seungmin and hyunjin stopped at. "you know my hair will change sooner or later, though." lavender, a hair color he didn't particularly have a strong like or dislike for, suddenly feels significant.

seungmin shrugs, but he's smiling, satisfied with chan's reaction. "something to remember it by, then."

"it's not as if he didn't buy you a black one to go with the rest of your wardrobe too," hyunjin sniffs.

"ah, that's too much, minnie."

"it's alright, hyung. i'll end up borrowing them in the future, so consider it an investment," seungmin laughs. 

"what about you, jinnie? did you buy your destitute channie-hyung any gifts?" chan teases, voice slipping into a higher octave. 

"yes," hyunjin says, face suddenly serious. he motions for chan to come closer, and stands from where he's been laid out lazily over his bed to plop a kiss right in the middle of chan's forehead. "a kiss," he declares as he flops back down, looking decidedly smug at his own wit. "and like, earrings. but the kiss is most important."

chan wipes the spit off with the back of his hand, grinning. "priceless."

"worthless." seungmin says, scrunching his face up in disgust, and chan nearly falls to the ground with laughter as hyunjin leaps up from his bed with murder on his face.

he leaves their room after watching them try on all their newly bought items, a process that takes hours. he tries to return the sweatpants he borrowed from hyunjin, only for him to wave a hand and say "keep them, i bought a new pair today anyways." they're too good to him, he thinks, shuffling down the hall with sweatpants, a scarf, and earring box in hand. hyunjin had gifted him a set of small silver studs in the shape of wolves, which he insisted on helping chan put on right then and there.

changbin challenges him to a mario kart match as soon as he returns to their room ("it's the closest we'll ever get to night racing," he says, slightly wistful), and the two of them drag jeongin with them despite his sleepy complaints. drawn by the ruckus of chan and changbin's heated yelling, seungmin and hyunjin join them in the living room soon enough. they kill the time with a "formal" tournament, one that jeongin manages to win despite dozing off on hyunjin's shoulder for the first few rounds.

they all erupt into boisterous cheers as jeongin manages to slip into first place last minute with a sneaky red shell, much to changbin's chagrin. the smile that splits the maknae's face is infectious, and changbin is grinning even as he smacks jeongin with a pillow ("last minute sneaky bastard," he cries out in mock anger).

before he realizes it, the sun is beginning to set. deep into the winter season, the days end so early, chan thinks. jisung is the only member that hasn't been home all day. he's been gone since chan woke up, and he hadn't even bothered to check on the younger. he opens kakaotalk then, guilt pooling low and nauseous in his gut. another atonement.

_doing ok, jisung-ah?_

_you haven't been home_

the response is almost instantaneous, as if jisung had been staring at his phone, waiting for a text. the thought is equal parts endearing and guilt-inducing.

_yessss i'm good haha_

_the line at the apple store was so long! i guess the new phone came out or something_

_the store i went to was in the mall so i got distracted and didn't come back_ (シ_ _)シ

_sorry hyung_

_thanks for checking on me_

jisung's been using a lot of those faces recently, chan remembers. kaomojis or something along that line, a habit that irritates minho to no end.

"why not just use the stickers, jisung-ah?" minho would say, pointing, eyes equally as big and shiny as the character that was currently wiggling on his phone screen. "they look too much like you, and i see your face enough," jisung would sniff back. chan remembers yelling something along the lines of "i'm not helping you hide his body, minho!"

_no need to apologize sungie, sorry for not checking on you earlier_

_glad you got some time to yourself_

_no worries hyung, i wasn't looking at my notifs earlier anyways_ (´｡• ω •｡`)

_being alone feels weird though_

_i miss everyone somehow_

_want me to come join you then?_

_we can pick up dinner for everybody, if you're not sick of being out and about yet_

_everybody is home is except for lix and lino, but they should be back by dinner_

_we made lunch ourselves so i think lino might get grumpy if we don't buy something haha_

_sounds like a plan, i can't take any more hyung beatings this week_

jisung sends a gif of some anime character shivering in fear. chan shakes his head fondly. despite their age difference only being a few years, some of the younger members still manage to make him feel outdated.

 _doesn't sound too bad to have channie-hyung all to myself for a while either_ (＃￣ω￣)

_that sounds creepy sungie_

_now i don't want to go_

_joking hyung don't leaveeeee meeeeee_

_come meet me here_

jisung sends his location then, and chan pops up from the couch. the other members pause in their heated debate over the validity of a rematch.

"i'm meeting up with jisungie to buy dinner," he says, padding off to his room in search of a warm coat.

"get jjajangmyeon!" hyunjin calls brightly after him, and is immediately cut off by an angered changbin, "yah, we had that like two days ago, we should get barbecued meat-"

"but we had fried chicken yesterday!" "that barely counts as meat, and chan-hyung didn't even get to eat it-"

"settle down, children," chan says, amused. he shrugs his coat on in the hallway, patting his pocket to make sure his wallet is there. "your hyung will do his best to satisfy everybody."

the four of them turn to look at him, slack-jawed. 

"no, no, you should get what you want to eat-" "we'll be satisfied with whatever hyung chooses-"

they take care of him, chan thinks, even as he wheezes out a laugh in the doorway at their sudden change in attitude. "be back soon, i'm betting on jeongin to win the rematch," he tosses over his shoulder as he steps out the door.

he can hear muffled arguing starting back up the second after the door closes, and a minute later, the starting beep of a race. chan can't help but stand outside the door for a bit, listening silently to the sound of life, thumping steadily like a heartbeat inside the dorm. he forces himself to start walking before his will gives out and he spends the next hour listening in to their muffled conversation with a stupid smile.

the cold bites into his face, even with a mask on. he's so grateful for seungmin and his thoughtful purple scarf. it's peaceful, even with people milling about, all of whom are bundled up like he is, long parkas and rosy cheeks. his boots crunch satisfyingly on a thin layer of snow with every step. 

the shopping mall he meets jisung at after a short trip by subway is buzzing with people. regardless, it's impossible not to find jisung, as the younger jumps and waves excitedly, drawing far too much attention for someone who's supposed to be hiding their idol identity in a public place like this. chan can't help but wave back. he must be smiling so hard that it reaches his eyes.

"channie-hyung," jisung says, all sing-songy. he's smiling enough for chan to see it, even with a mask on. "so funny to run into you here!"

chan mimes gagging, and scrunches his face up in disgust. "i wish i hadn't." jisung slaps his shoulder, but chan's parka ends up taking most of the impact. he ends up pretending to cry out in pain anyways, doubling over for dramatic effect. 

"you get what you deserve," jisung says, triumphant. 

"have mercy, great one," chan laughs. they fall into step easily. jisung curls an arm around his, despite the puffiness of both of their jackets. 

"did you have anything in mind for dinner, hyung?" he asks, swinging their arms back and forth slightly.

chan shakes his head. "the other members want a million different things, like always," he exhales something that's half laugh, half sigh. "i figured i would just see if anything had caught your eye while you were in the mall."

jisung's eyes sparkle at that. "oh, i saw a jjajangmyeon place earlier! the line was out the door, so i thought it must be good."

"changbin will slap me on the head and accuse me of favoritism, but hyunjin will probably blast through the roof with happiness," chan says. "let's go there then."

"if you buy it, hyung, they won't complain." jisung says this like it's an irrevocable fact of the universe.

chan eyes him through his periphery. the younger continues walking forward with loose limbed easiness, seeming as if he was utterly sure of himself, his place in the world, and every word that came out of his mouth.

"why?"

"don't act stupid," jisung scoffs at him, rolling his eyes. "because it's you, obviously."

"that clarifies nothing, sungie, thanks."

jisung rolls his eyes again, but he somehow manages to make it look affectionate.

"you're just you, hyung. that's all there is to it. you put everyone at ease." he shrugs then, continuing to swing their arms together. "just walking with you in this crowded mall, i feel like... totally... uh... warm." he frowns, shakes his head.

"that's not the word. i don't know how to put it all together eloquently, but being around you is enough. your presence or whatever. almost makes me feel like i own the damn mall. you might not want to talk about last night, especially since i'd bet that the other members have cornered you already, but you shouldn't apologize for yourself. we like... love you just the way you are, and we don't want or need you to change. you don't have to say anything back. please don't actually, because i'm embarrassed now." jisung pretends he's examining something on the floor intently. he looks stupid and it's endearing.

chan just throws an arm around jisung and squeezes tightly. when that burning feeling hits the back of his eyes, he ducks into the folds of his scarf.

"i'm not going to cry in the line for jjajangmyeon," chan says to himself. it's both an affirmation and a plea to his tear ducts for mercy.

"huh?"

"nothing... nothing." he tries to dab inconspicuously at his eyes with his scarf. "thanks, jisungie. it means a lot."

"no problem," jisung says, and chan can see in the relaxed line of his shoulders that he really means it, even as his ears turn red. he believes in chan somehow, utterly. it makes chan feel a little like he's cradling glass in his hands. "is that a new scarf? it looks good," he pouts. "why didn't you take me shopping with you?"

"nah, seungmin bought it for me. he and hyunjin went out earlier today."

"whaaaaat," jisung draws the word out into a long whine. "he never buys me anything! wait, are those new earrings too? that's crossing the line-"

"no, these were hyunjin's pick-"

"that doesn't make it any better, he doesn't buy me things eitherrrrr," jisung moans in mock sadness, sagging his body weight onto chan.

"stand up, you baby," chan laughs, impossibly fond. "i'll take you out on a shopping trip next time to make up for it."

"it looks good on you, i can't even be mad," jisung sighs out, leaning his weight back onto his own feet as it's finally their turn to order at the counter.

the ride and walk back to the dorm, arms filled with takeout boxes, is full of the idle yet entertaining chatter chan has come to expect from jisung. he tells him about jeongin's lettuce vs. cabbage dilemma ("wait, there's a difference?"), changbin's similar inability to tell the two apart ("so it's not just me then,") and the mario kart tournament ("i would've kicked everybody's asses if i was there," he sighs out. "wait, actually, i'm glad yongbokkie wasn't home, he would've humiliated all of you until you cried"). they're still giggling about the look of betrayal on changbin's face when the red shell hit him as they step through the door to the dorm.

"baby, you're home! did you miss me," minho sings out from where he's lazing on the couch, holding changbin in a headlock.

"yah, that's my baby," hyunjin says, offended, at the same time that jisung cries out, "i thought i was your baby, minho-hyung!"

"this love cycle is getting entirely too complicated," chan laughs. jeongin sniffs. he's still wearing the sweatshirt chan had returned to him earlier. "he's my dad before he's any of yours. i won the rematch, by the way."

chan has to drop takeout boxes carefully on the living room table so he can squeeze jeongin in his arms tightly, fake crying. "he called me dad," he sobs out. "did you all hear that?" jeongin struggles in his grip, kicking and whining and smiling all at once.

"of course he would, that's our kid," minho says, finally releasing changbin to ruffle jeongin's hair.

"your baby mother is ugly, chan-hyung," changbin says, and immediately sprints from the room as minho reaches for his neck again.

"so everybody is just gonna ignore the toddler then?" felix says, pouting.

jisung shoots him a betrayed look as he sets the rest of the food down. "at least you have a role in the family, lix."

"you can be the squirrel that runs around outside," seungmin says, straight faced as he consoles felix, who's now pretending to throw a tantrum over being ignored.

"yah, seungmin-ssi, i'm already mad that you bought chan-hyung a scarf when you never buy me anything, don't make me angrier-" 

"it's not my fault that chan-hyung is so easy to buy things for-"

they're interrupted by hyunjin's shriek of delight when he opens the takeout boxes on the table, a high pitched noise that makes them all flinch. 

"suck it, changbin-hyung! i'm channie's favorite!"

"it's jjajangmyeon, isn't it," changbin mutters as he comes back into the room, red mark on his forehead. minho follows him closely, looking pleased with himself. "did you pick the restaurant, jisung?"

"why do you automatically assume it's my fault?" jisung says, indignantly, and shoots chan a look like _i told you, didn't i?_

ever the pacifier, chan interjects, "he didn't know about what you guys wanted, i just asked him to pick whatever caught his eye while he was out. no favoritism, i love all my kids."

"i'm not your kid, i'm your wife," minho says, eerily straight faced. that draws hyunjin out of his jjajangmyeon-euphoria trance, and he snaps his head around to glare at minho. "how can you be so bare-faced as to say that to the love of my life, minho-hyung?"

"who says that love is reciprocated?" minho reaches for jeongin. "plus, we have a kid. and i guess this one, too." he draws felix, who smiles happily, into his side with the other arm.

"it's like a k-drama in real time," seungmin says, voice full of awe.

"who needs this shitty love circle," changbin reaches for jisung. "the squirrel and i will start something better."

"who says i want you! you just scapegoated me for the dinner choice two minutes ago-" "ah, i take it back, i love you sungie-"

in the midst of their friendly bickering then, that feeling in chan's chest finally floods the dam. he feels it all, so much, all at once. how lucky he is, he thinks dazedly, eyes threatening to spill over, to have a family that he loves so much, and loves him so much in return. the feeling tingles all the way through his fingertips, watching his members argue and wrestle with each other, a mess of limbs and colored hair tangled up on the couch. it's absolutely overwhelming, choking him up, but he thinks he wouldn't mind drowning in this.

"alright, alright, enough," he finally says, trying to cough the tears out of his voice before it's noticeable. "let's eat before the food gets cold."

he's met with a chorus of "yes hyung"s, and the miscellaneous "yes dad" and "yes baby", the latter of which starts another round of bickering. the laugh that spills out of him then is pure, unfettered joy.

 _it's all gonna be okay,_ he thinks, amused at how corny he sounds, choked up on how much he believes it. boxes of jjajangmyeon and seven of his friends in a small dorm in korea, warm despite the snow stacking up outside.

that's all he needs.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm truly astounded at how long this ended up being, i average around 1k to 2k wordcount per oneshot with my longest hitting 4.5k so this is so out of character for me  
> i guess that comes with the territory when ur writing abt a group of 8 tho lol  
> leave a comment lets kiss <3


End file.
